Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A Day in the Life

1. Wake up. Mumble “Christ, it’s still on me.” Go back to sleep.

2. Wake up again. Fantasize briefly about turning over on your side. Drift back into sleep (On your back, sitting up, of course. Bastards.).

3. Finally wake up for good. Marvel at how your stomach muscles ache, even from carrying the weight of the halo while lying down! Pet Dignan the Cat, who sleeps ever faithful by your side. What does he think of the halo? you wonder.

4. Enter bathroom and inspect overnight crust that has formed on the pin sites on your forehead. Marvel at how badly you need a haircut. And a proper shower. You are so pale. You need a tan.

5. Your pin sites in the back of your head scratch like mad. Seriously entertain the idea of taking a brilo pad to them. If you do, they will ooze like crazy. Plus, your sister will crucify you the next time she cleans your wounds.

6. Opt to take the chopstick out of your cleavage for a good back scratch, instead. Scratchy scratch. Ah, heaven.

7. Change out of nightgown into yoga pants and tube top. You love the tube top. It is the only thing that fits over your bulky halo vest. You have to cut every t-shirt down the front to get it over the bulk of the halo, so any top you can “step into” is preferable. Yes, you are dead sexy in the tube top. You need to get a rhinestone one and really wow them. Note to self.

8. Have breakfast. You can’t look down at the English muffin you are eating, so some of the crumbs drift down into your halo vest below your chin. Fast forward to when the halo comes off in the doctor’s office. An avalanche of crumbs will fall to the ground. That will be classy.

9. Back to breakfast. Try to read the paper, but it is very unsatisfying to have to hold it up directly in front of your face to read. Your arms fatigue. Put the paper down.

10. Check email. Thank god people have not forgotten you (it’s been almost three months, after all!).

11. Seriously entertain idea of picking at pin sites with tweezers.

12. Talk on the phone a bit. You have no new news. Every day is like Groundhog Day. You are so tired of hearing yourself talk about the halo and nothing else. Live vicariously through the lives of your friends. The entire fall season has passed you by.

13. Bumble around the house. Watch a little TV. Try to go up and down the stairs to get a little exercise (you have no muscle tone left…the gym is a distant memory…your body is pure goo).

14. Time to clean your wounds. Your sister gets out the tools: Q-tips, hydrogen peroxide, Bacitracin and flashlight. The front pin sites look good, she mutters. But then she smirks with disapproval at the back sites. “Have you been itching?” she accuses. You look up with innocent eyes. She’s not buying it. You hate your pin sites. You want to gouge them out with a kitchen cleaver. Your sister finishes cleaning each site and puts your hair back into pigtails. See? You are just a little kid.

15. Seriously entertain idea of scratching pin sites with sandpaper.

16. Greet your niece and nephew as they come home from school. Think seriously about interrogating your 14-year-old niece about whether or not she has touched a boy’s penis.

17. Your nephew asks how the chopstick is, with an appropriate smirk. You bark back, “It’s great. You want to sniff it?” He runs away screaming. Briefly plot new way to taunt him with it later that evening.

18. Sit down to dinner with your sister and her family. In the beginning, you used to need a tray to elevate your food so you could see it better, but no more. Progress is good.

19. Briefly entertain idea of gouging at pin sites with dinner fork.

20. Watch Season 2, Disc 3 of “Alias” off of Netflix. Fantasize about becoming an ass-kicking double agent when all of this halo business is over with.

21. Settle in for the night. You never fall asleep before 2am anymore. You pretty much have to be exhausted to fall asleep in the halo, it is so uncomfortable. After propping yourself up on four giant pillows, you flip through a hundred infomercials on TV. Everyone in the house is asleep but you. You hate that. Mentally cross off another day marooned on your titanium desert island. You did it!

22. Seriously entertain idea of scratching at your pin sites with all ten fingernails until they are raw and ….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Ron Burgundy said...

You should wait until your nephew is sleeping and then, at 3 am, just stand over his bed in your halo wearing a blood stained moo moo, holding a meat tenderizer, mumbling a poem by Emily Post. You'll take years off of his life but it would be really funny. Sorry to hear you are still stuck in Haloville. It doesn't look that uncomfortable though - suck it up!

In the future, when you use the term douche bag, I would appreciate being sited as a source.

Stay Classy Halo Girl.
I'm Ron Burgundy?

Injung said...

Are you really still up? I'm so tempted to call you right now at 1:20am. Nadine, I hate that you're going through this but love your blog. I don't think that I've ever read anything that makes me alternately laugh and cringe SO MANY TIMES in one reading! xoxo, Injung