Anatomy of a Sponge Bath

I love a good hose down.

It’s “Sexy Time!” (as Borat would say)

Here’s how we do it in the halo:

I step into the shower and take the hand-held and wash the lower part of my body on my own. I am a Big Girl.

But, because the halo vest cradles the bulk of my torso and is lined in sheep’s wool, I can never remove it or get it wet. Alcohol is all we can use as a cleaning agent, since alcohol evaporates.

Sooooo,,,

My sister takes a bath towel that she has stripped into long, narrow pieces and douses one strip with alcohol. Then she slips the piece underneath the vest and tucks it through until it comes out the other side. She grabs each end and then starts vigorously rubbing, side-to-side. I groan and grunt with pleasure. I swear, I think I’ve even growled like a baby a couple of times. We repeat this process until she has covered my front and back pretty well.

Yes, this is what it has come to.

Small pleasures.

The sponge bath.

I keep a wooden chopstick tucked down my chest for emergency scratching, as it gets quite hot and itchy underneath the vest, and it’s maddening not to be able to get at most of the areas. Just like a cast gets itchy. Everyone asks what the chopstick is for, since I carry it everywhere I go and it looks rather obscene sitting there in my cleavage. But I don’t know what I would do without it! I whip it out and brandish it like a magic wand. Presto! Nothing like a good midnight scratching.

My 12-year-old nephew, Aram, is scared of the chopstick. I don’t blame him. But I adore him.

So what do I do? I wait until he falls asleep on the sofa one night. Then I carefully lay the chopstick on his face. Then I grab his camera phone and take a picture. He looks so innocent--so angelic--with the chopstick dangling from his nose.

Then I make that photo his phone wallpaper. When he goes to use his phone the next day, I can hear him screaming for days.

This is one of my greatest triumphs in the halo.

Yes, this is what it has come to.

Small pleasures.

Torturing my nephew with the chopstick.